black diary

After the transcription of the black diary, from the handwritten notes on paper, I decided to include fragments of what I wrote digitally, on my new notepad. Although I often used the phrase ignorance is bliss, in the process of transcribing my notes, I got more and more curious about what I had written, and how it was phrased. So, again with a feeling of I am looking forward to look backward, I started transcribing also my digital notes, written directly on the notepad, the results of which you'll find in this addendum.

4/1/2021. another lockdown period, question: resume or nor resume my black diary? Reflecting on our summer holiday in Greece, escaping the somewhat depressing dutch situation, I again state that, whatever the case, there is the moral obligation to move, swimming versus running, and as an inescapable difference, with swimming you cannot stop, Omitting all further details of our holiday, the big surprise was that I started to swim, on average more than a kilometer per day! Slowly, keep breathing! For me this indicates that, indeed, Greece is a state of mind, a slogan that was used to promote the counntry as a holiday destination.

16/8/2021: I got my new notepad, a remarkable, which is the brand name of a paper-alike writng tablet. With this gadget, I can continue what I started as my black diary, if I remember well, subtitled as -- a matter of choice, although I should have it perhaps better subtitled as a game of choice, without wasting paper.

17/8/2021: Now on with writing on the pod, clearly I have to write more carefully, as to allow the writing to be converted to printed text. And with the pad, there seems to come another thing, the (daily) obligation to write, paddle, paddle, paddle, But, of course there is a choice, I can simply refuse to write a word, so let's see how this works out, and indeed, by swiping there comes a new page. Now I only need to think about whether I want to write medium or thin.

18/8/2021: Today, we went to the YOUSEUM, a series of photo shoot settings for children, inspired by the BFF 2.0 media hype. Also I installed most of my remarkable notepad, in the future to be simply called notepad. Still exploring, but I think I get most of it, but we will see what it's role will be in the future! And what I almost forgot to mention, it is my intention to run more often, walk and run, walk like a warrior, to satisfy the moral obligation to walk, barefeet. In other words, whole-body, barefoot!

20/8/2021: And yet another day, after a long day of technical work, exploring the notepad and the new google sites. The result is a post on facebook -- agenda! It is an implicit agenda, indicating goals for the future, although it is of course also just another joke!

22/8/2021: Exploring other ways to scribble and read, now with the notepan.

23/8/2021: I still have to find a proper way of coping with this thing, perhaps the marker is the most appropriate tool for that, only dependent on the actual writing, and not tho speed or pressure.

26/8/2021: Still exploring my writing pad, while reading fighters, martial artists and thinkers. To be prepared for further training, teaching and promoting shorinji kempo.

9/9/2021: She walked out angrily and stayed out for about two hours, to get some fresh air. I called her twice, at the beginning and at the end. I asked her where are you and what's your plan! We will see how it goes, she demolished my house, non-stop put me down, and blames me for everything that goes wrong. I am clearly in a TCM: traditional chinese marriage,

10/9/2021: Today, after running, I apologized and made, a little bit to my own surprise, an attempt to de-escalate. And, again to my surprise, it worked, and after a sincere hug we more or less peacefully continue, at least fer today. I just wanted to express myself, she said, I was tired.

I was also tired, I said, and that seemed to explain the issue.

21/9/2021: Sitting and reading, wondering whether I need a new gadget, or even two. Your tobacco, she said this morning, pointing at the floor. Shortly after that she repeated her remark. I shrugged, and let it go.

A new device, another paper-alike tablet, for reading and writing, to keep my self centered, I think. Or is it another distraction. I am waiting for the money, my monthly income, to be deposited on my account. Then I'll have the choice, buy one or two. One pro version, large size, or a non-pro large version and one of a smaller site, which I assume also supports writing, although that is not eeplicitly specified. At this moment, the best option seems to be to just wait and see!

23/9/2021: She messed with my stuff, in my corner, the wiring, a big mess she said. Bullshit, it is well-organised, functional and extensible, although now I have to adapt it again! I almost threw her out. Go to Thailand she said, I don't need you, think about that! Fifteen minutes later, she left. I have no idea where she is going or how long she will stay away. Another uncertainty, I don't like her playing the dominance game: one way or another that should stop!

28/9/2021: I wonder when I should start writing a more definite version of my diary. Perhaps when the whole thing is finished. But that may not occur. After all, from a more reasonable perspective we are, or at least seem to be, a happy family. But again, this morning, the nervousness, the non-stop interference in my life and habits, paper under the coffee, to avoid stains. Too much I felt, how long can I endure it. But the alternatives are scarce and non-attractive. No, I do not have the aspiration to go to Thailand, or even travel living the wild life. Dropping out from the family, from kempo, from a life, even a life that I detest, seems to provide no solution. And, also the diary brings no clarification, even though it is a relief to practice writing, not for publication, but simply as an exercise, as in practicing a manual skill to test my agility in interacting with a paper like medium, pointing the pen, as an index (finger) into the mental realm, for whatever it is worth. Life continues, keep on living! And don't stop breathing!

6/10/2021: I just finished my exercise, round 6 and 7, partly satisfied, although improvement is possible, and at this stage (again) needed. I practiced for a while against the wall, despite my dislike of the phrase the wall is your guru, first introduced, if I am correct by Iyengar, who uses many support gadgets for alignment, although, as seen from a photograph, his handstand, against tho wall, sucks. Perhaps I should keep practicing a combination, against the wall and in free space, if only because my practice against the wall makes less noise, and imposes greater demands on joints and muscles, due to the longer holding times. Apparently, fear plays a role. The fear of no support, falling in free space!

Somehow this hs been an eventful week, many emotions, quarrels, and a low mood, on the verge of dropping out. A mood in which conflict easily occurs, and, indeed,they do occur.

Over the last week I made notes, just to record the conflict. I also told my eldest daughter about my black diary. She was curious, and I enplained how it is meant to be a safe-guard for my identity, and a means of securing my personal space, as a monitoring tool.

The background of any mood was formed by my encounter with my kempo friend, who wanted to address money issues, the fee for being a member of the international organization, and the free coffee. He also wanted to establish his authority by telling me what my task is in the dojo. That evening I gave him 20 euro, to cover my debt, but let him pay the coffee, For the dojo, I made it clear, that I decide on my role, and indicated my emphasis on kihon, and that I am primarily interested in guiding students in their basic movement. He then questioned my attitude toward him, and I explained that he often made errors, and how I make an effort to refrain from direct criticism. As an example, I gave his use of hajimemasu at the end of the lesson where he, obviously, should use, o'owarimasu. No, that is correct, he said. You want to bet? Ok, for 20 euro, I said. No, not that money. Fine, 10 euro, then, I said. I look it up, and we settle it tonight. Of course, as expected, he forgot. But a few days later, I reminded him by a facebook message with the explanation of hajimeru attached. We cancel that by the coffee I paid, was his response. Again, I refrained from making a conflict. But of course I will not forget! My main priority now in teaching is to keep contact with the people, and also to be part of a community.

9/10/2021: Time to catch up with my diary. Let's see whether I can do it from a ground-seating position, away from the table, with the pad on my knee. I just sent a message to my friend, as a way to restore our relationship, which was, for me at least, badly damaged by our last meeting. The worst moment in our meeting was when he said to me, I love you, really I love you, with a distorted face, displaying a sincere attempt to express his compasion for me, but which I took as an altogether stupid way to play a power gane, as an attempt to gain authority, and as a means to regulate and control my behavior, at least to tho extent that the dojo is concerned.

My sensitivity and annoyance may be explained by the fact my wife, for now almost 17 years, deploys a similar strategy, expressing her love by an appeal to my responsibility to support our relation­ship by my support for the common well-being of our family, which is for me the reason of regarding our being together more and more as a traditional chinese marriage, apparently free and developing according to the tao of love, but in practice, suppressive in being overly organised and regulated in accordance with an in my view deficient type of rationality, based on fanatic rituals of orderliness and cleanliness, apparently efficient, but in practice driven by a hypersensitive aversion to the disruptive qualtiess of life, which obviously brings with it small amounts of disorder and chaos, read dust and stains.

To my mind, proper survival benefits more from strength and energy, than being smart and attune to the common standards of luxury and hygiene. Remember, that more than a century ago, this approach, to surround oneself with the latest luxury, was already referred to as the cage, that is another way to imprison yourself, by becoming a slave to the material goods surrounding you, and filling your time with an endless and meaningless succession of tasks, meant to maintain and preserving the quality of the material shit surrounding us. Clearly, a waste of time!

The money goes fast this month, Actually, one of the reasons I was so annoyed with my friend is that instead of looking for opportunities in the future, that might bring some financial benefit, he started to complain about the money spent on coffee and my dojo membership, forcing me to pay the fee, but refusing a bet that he thought he would win, which he obviously would not. Again, I would like to have the opportunity to earn some money, for example with self-defense lessons, although in general I am fine with providing support for free, provided I get rewarded by uitvreter-style coffee.

10/10/2021: Now, my question is, how much effort should I put in writing? Of course, I could ask similar questions with regard to exercise, reading, punching, kata. You name a subject and the question applies. After all it is not so easy to go with the flow. Somehow, without setting goals, most efforts seem to lapse in empty, self-satisfying, phrases, trying to cover up, what has not been done. But I admit, I do not always stick to my goals. For example, despite declaring that I avoid tho wall as a guru, in practice I practice most hand stands against the wall, for reasons of simplicity, structure, habit and the wish to reduce the sound it makes as much as possible. Hypocritic? No, simply for convenience. In the end it is more important that I did the handstands, instead of finding reasons for why I did not do them. Anyhow, it contributes to a sufficient level of consistency in practice, and, on a lenger term, hopefully to an adequate level of performance!

29/10/2021: Please leave me alone! Another demanding request, an expression of authority, unacceptable in itself, but understandable in this period of high pressure, with too many bouts of nervous activity required by either incidental events, and systematic overload. Keep breathing, and relax, it cannot be repeated enough!

Installing my phone and exploring new possibilities of self-expression.

30/10/2021: She asks me stop my exercises because of the noise, but then she starts walking around, making a terrible noise, walking, dropping things, and cleaning, which more and more becomes an obsession. And, by the way, who is competitive here. Fight as a metaphor for life does not seem to be only my problem!

read what a written in the sky and (make an attempt to) fly
lookin' for the poem in the clouds it makes me think and drop to the ground
search for your dream place and discover the place where it might be hidden

5/11/2021: The metaphor of a fighter is indispensable in coping with issues of life and death. Any weakness in this respect will revenge itself by inflicting physical and mental damage that could have been avoided by a proper fighting attitude! The war goes on, and the warrior will walk his way.

28/11/2021: You don't talk to me? Just tired, not in the mood for talking!

Now, should I go out? Well,the weather is bad, it is cold, and it rains. I almost feel it like a moral obligation to go out, but perhaps I shouldn't, just do what I like to do most at the the moment, like reading and writing. And I forget to add that in such cases it is often good to have an external reason, in other words to be forced to go out. And indeed, five minutes later my youngest came back and asked me to go with her, because the doorbell at a friend's place did not function. And, yes, despite the cold, I am happy to go out! And then after that I went out to get pizza, and had another round of fresh air, waiting while smoking a cigarette, watching the crowd walk by. and yes, what is there to say except: altogether it is a dork period, with many challenges, requiring discipline and strength!

And finally, from my notes:

10/8/2021: when does writing present an option to escape a life of boredom and annoyance? will I be happy when I write, day to day, without purpose, jotting down words, just for the sake of being active with my mind, as a pretense to be creative and alive...

11/8/2021: the bird flew on, the pad will be delivered, the car had speed and force, accellerating on a busy street. obsessively impressive, feeling the power of speed, and hearing the sound of an agresive vehicle... So what's the point of all this?

10/1/2022: red button,start, I thought stop, result: stupid, she said and I refute that, common sense, but I did not know, and walked away angry, indeed, lost control, blaming, and we had another quarrel, is it a relief? no, a resolution, I away? never, she seems to be sleeping all day, all I ask for is some understanding, clean your shit on the floor,

11/1/2022: mindfulness, rest/distance , transition, triggers, explosion, tension, desperate in summary: what will it bring us? no longer human, do pry alignment, my dominant wife rides away on her bicycle, without telling me that she left, or what she is leaving for. but at least we had a talk this morning

18/1/2022: switch, back to normmal, with commitment, as a result of self-therapy, happy life, keywords: be gentle, manage!

19/1/2022: During the piano lesson of my youngest daughter I read about a famous short story. in which a guy fell from the ladder, after moving into a new to be decorated house, the reward for many years of hard work and a successful career. He felt his hip, and suffered from the pain, which made him turn into a state of madness. Walking back home with my daughter, opposite the entrance of the westerpark, I stumbled and fell down, with fortunately, as two weeks ago when I fell in front of the RAI, an automatic reaction that war adequate enough to break the fall without getting hurt. But I felt a bit of pain in the hip. Ironic, I thought that it happens now, just after taking another cloud photo, fate. Yesterday I decided to stop posting on facebook, but seeing tho pale sun, I thought, well you never know. And to be clear, I did post it, with the implicit message that this might be my last post. Of course, it wasn't!

Now, I feel a bit tired and cold, but after a coffee with a cookie, I will likely do my exercise, as I did already, successfully, after the fall. Again, it is a pleasure to write! And, whether this will be part of the black diary, we will see later!

20/1/2022: Transcribing the text of my written and digital notes was a lot of work. And, tonight, I'll have to teach. Kempo. Life continues!

A. Eliens